Training

I have no idea how to tell you about everything I experienced during my first three months in Ukraine. This is just a list of some of the things I learned or observed. I'll post more later.

• When going into the city, pack your own toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Expect squat toilets, ladies and gentlemen.
• When you hear the word “cock”, someone is speaking Russian at you. Good luck.
• Be aware, but stay out, of local politics/drama. Pretend it doesn’t exist or (my personal favorite) blame the language barrier and pretend like you don’t understand what’s going on – Я не розуміла.
• On a related note, don’t attempt to see your principal and her former gangster of a husband’s pet bear they keep in their “compound”. It will not end well.
• Be prepared to eat lots of man food: Meat and taters, and usually bread too.
• When in doubt, don’t eat the mushrooms.
• “How many spoons of sugar would you like with your tea? Only one?! No, I will give you six, it is better for your health.”
• If you go outside without a hat, gloves, scarf, and warm shoes, you will get sick and die. Also, if your feet get wet, you will get sick and die. Also, if you stand by an open window, you will get sick and die. Also, if you drink cold milk or eat ice cream on a cold day, you will get sick and die. Sometimes you can prevent death by drinking massive amounts of tea and eating honey.
• Beer isn’t alcohol.
• I asked my language trainer about the legal drinking age in Ukraine, and she told me it’s 21. Then I told her I saw a shop sell beer to young kids, and she replied, “Of course!”
• Don’t pet dogs. They’re guard animals, and not family pets. Don’t be surprised when you see packs of them running around the streets either, they’re part of the scenery.
• Cheating isn’t considered cheating in Ukraine. It’s considered helping – it’s part of their community based values.
• Your personal space doesn’t exist on public transportation. As many people as can possibly be squeezed onto a marsh (small bus) or train, then add 17. As a fellow volunteer put it, “My crotch was totally just in some woman’s face. I feel like I should apologize.”
• Fridge doesn’t work? Lucky for you, it’s winter. Stuck it in the window. Natural refrigeration!
• Gaggles of kids will gasp, point, stare, giggle, sneakily nod in your direction, and yell “HI!!” at you.
• The most surprising answer you can give when someone asks if you like Ukraine – yes.
• Walking around aimlessly is a common hobby. It’s even better if you do it while eating sunflower seeds.
• The verbs for “to walk aimlessly” and “to fuck off” are unfortunately similar. If you want to get used to how they’re pronounced, talk to a babushka (grandmother). Then, go watch a futbol game.
• The verbs for "to write" and "to piss" are the same word with a different emphasis. Once our students figured that out that we weren't always sure where to put the emphasis, they would try to make us say the word as many times as possible in a lesson.
• Everyone will insist the food they grow is better than anything you can buy in the stores. They’ll also say different regions cook certain dishes differently (aka they’re wrong).
• Most of the coffee here is instant.
• Take your shoes off as soon as you get in the door. Always wear slippers (again, you’ll get sick). Don’t shake hands over the threshold. And do NOT whistle indoors.
• Be flexible. The "schedule" can change at any time.
• You literally can not fail the Ukrainian education system.
• The chupacabra is on the news every week.
• Shoes are one of the biggest giveaways that someone isn't Ukrainian.
• Everyone (including young students) seems to know the U.S. president is Barack Obama.
• Flicking the side of your neck means "drinking" or "drunk".